2nd of May

I and my girls went ice skating at MOA and I being scared is an understatement. I was terrified. It was my first time to skate and the anxiety and worriment hit me in the face straight on so I decided to step out of the rink for a few minutes to think and calm myself down. Then, memories came flooding in. I thought about the moment when I quit my swimming lessons as a child because I was scared. I remembered going home from a school sleepover because I was terrified that my friends won't arrive. I had two choices. I can either quit or stay. I stayed and it was a good thing that I did because staying is equivalent to surrendering myself to the chaos.

I just finished Gayle Forman's Just One Day and it is one of those books that truly captures life as the way as I see it and I really see myself in Allyson. Like her, I've been living in a life of expectations. I study a lot because my parents expects me to have great grades and I am always the good one because the crowd expects me to. Yes, my life is a continuous events that revolves around how the people perceives me and maybe that is the reason why I want to be free. Before, I am not conscious of what kind of freedom I want but after the skating event and reading Just One Day, I finally saw the kind of freedom that I want. The freedom to live life as I want to.


I never know why but I tend to overthink a lot and of course, I overthink prior to my skating day-out with my friends. I thought about falling. I thought about being humiliated in front of many people. I thought about failing and maybe that were the thoughts that pulled me back not only from skating but from doing a lot of things that I truly want but was too afraid to try. They are the thoughts that kept me from saying yes.

Then, there is this one particular moment between Allyson and Willem that I truly love. It is the one wherein Allyson says that traveling is a kind of talent that she does not possess because she does not enjoy one bit of her European tour but then Willem says, "You thought too hard. Same with travel. You can't work too much at it, or it feels like work. You have to surrender yourself to the chaos. To the accidents." For me, it is also the same with life. You cannot thought too hard about it because it will feel like work. You just have to surrender and live.


This is particularly the hardest blog post that I have ever written. I even thought about not posting this because this post requires me to dig dip and to expose the very core of my being but if I don't write this, if I don't look at myself, I will always have this nagging feeling of regret and I will never be free. So, the conclusion of this blog post is for all of us to surrender to the chaos, to be open and to say yes. This is also actually directed to myself. In order for me to be free, I have to stop thinking.
C'est courageux d'aller dans l'inconnu' 
 It is courageous to go into territory unknown